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Calvin Asks: How do I handle sexism at work?

I've just started an adult apprenticeship as the first female in this specific trade.

Mostly I've felt welcomed but there is one colleague that, well, isn't welcoming.

So far I've tried not reacting but he seems to escalate because hes not getting a response. When I do respond, he becomes almost unresponsive and near impossible to work with (he will simply blank me). It's like he goads me but then becomes upset that a woman has 'questioned' him. Other colleagues have commented on how rude he can be towards me but mostly keep clear of it (I don't blame them).

I'm mostly asking for advice from other women working in engineering. How do i handle this? 

This job requires a great deal of trust in the people you're working with so I don't want to report him just yet as I know this could make others wary of working with me. At the same time I don't want to listen to his comments of "all women are prostitutes" and "once a woman's been bred they're no good" as well as being blanked completely.

Please help!

Exasperated of Exeter. 

 

Need advice but  too shy to ask? Have a question of a sensitive nature and would prefer to remain anonymous? Need to get something off your chest but worried about the boss (or your colleagues) finding out? Then Ask Calvin! Submit your questions confidentially to AskCalvin@theiet.org and Calvin will ask the community on your behalf to give you the anonymity you want to find the advice you need.
 

  • It is hard to say without any context, whether the comments you describe have been directed at you, or reported to you by others. It is possible, that the comments are a misplaced attempt at “black humour” or “banter”. 

    This is the sort of thing that was common in all-male workplaces a generation ago and the person may just be a “dinosaur”. 

    You can choose to confront it informally, personally and/or with the support of an assertive colleague, or supervisor. 

    If this behaviour was reported to more senior management, or a HR function, when one exists, then it would seem to be potential grounds for disciplinary action.

    Taken at face value these comments could be a serious example of bullying and harassment, worse than instances of wolf-whistling, cat calling or leering, that reputable employers mostly stamped out many years ago. Immediate dismissal, could potentially be a justified response by the employer, in my opinion, depending on any potential mitigating factors. 

    If this were a contracting situation, then I might expect the person to be excluded by the main contractor/client.  If such comments were directed at you in a hostile fashion, then the behaviour is potentially a criminal offence.   

    Having written the response, I noted your comment “I'm mostly asking for advice from other women working in engineering”. So sorry for jumping in, I just spotted the post by chance on a relatively infrequent foray into the forums. For full disclosure, I’m a Chartered Fellow of the CIPD (retired).                               

  • Deal with the situation with humour. Learn some witty retorts. Treat it like water off a duck's back. Gain confidence. View some Benny Hill videos to see just what was acceptable in the past. Try not to be too sensitive.

     

    Z.

  • Former Community Member
    0 Former Community Member
    Exasperated,


    I was going to offer advice around challenging his misconceptions, in the past I've responded to sexist/racist jokes completely deadpan, and pretended I didn't get it, asking them to explain. It tends to be quite unsettling for the "joker" and you can see when they begin to realise they're not funny!


    But your last para describing some of his comments is actually quite scary and, no matter what the context or if he's saying it jokingly, that is not acceptable workplace behaviour. If he is "joking", I'd be tempted to tell him - in front of others - that he sounds like a serial killer, or something similar. Make him the joke - he might back off then. If he's coming across as serious, then I would speak to him, taking a colleague with you, and tell him his behaviour is not acceptable and that you will escalate the situation if it doesn't stop. You might also want to consider joining a union recognised by your employer and seeking their advice. 


    Whichever path you choose, you need to make it about him and his behaviour. It's not about guys having to tiptoe around us because we're delicate flowers, it's about their behaviour being inappropriate. It is possible he's just feeling insecure but that's not your issue and you shouldn't have to deal with it. Another post here is a great example of guys making their behaviour our fault, because we're too "sensitive", but it's their issue if they're acting like Neanderthals, not yours.
  • Zoomup‍ Sorry but I personally feel your advice is part of the problem, not part of the solution.
  • I agree that we all need to maintain a sense of humour and not become too easily offended.

    There are lesser comments that might be accepted in some situations. However, such comments can easily become “the thin end of a wedge”, leading to bullying or harassment. This is unacceptable conduct towards anyone in a modern workplace, whatever the motive (eg seemingly sexism in this case). Unfortunately, the comments as reported are particularly egregious and/or just plain stupid!

    An interesting angle which might also be worth discussing is. If you were the manager responsible for these two employees; How would you handle it?  

  • From my experience as a past line manager, I would strongly advise that, provided your manager has an ounce of empathy, I would always suggest quietly discussing this with them. Too often issues only get exposed when an explosion happens, or one party leaves the company. 

    Very often you'll find that actually the line manager was already unhappy with this person's behaviour for many other reasons (although don't expect them to give you details - expect them to treat other people's issues with the same confidentiality that you would expect applied to yours).

    Following Roy's question, as a line manager I regularly had occasion to remind members of my team that they didn't have to like each other, they didn't have to want to go to the pub together, but they did have to work together and treat each other with respect in their work. (And quite honestly, in our case those that weren't able to treat others with respect didn't remain in the company (right up to senior management level) - but this is dependant on a strong company culture that this behaviour is unacceptable. Fortunately that is becoming far more common in the UK.)

    So do expect your line manager to suggest a meeting (facilitated or not) between yourself and the other person to try to resolve these issues. You may not feel comfortable with this, in which case feel free to say so - although it will make the situation harder to resolve. If you haven't had assertiveness training (or think a refresher would help) you could, as an alternative to a meeting, ask if the company would support you doing the training to develop your skills in confronting this person appropriately and effectively. Line managers always like staff who come to them with potential solutions as well as problems! If there is no change in the behaviour do keep reminding the manager. If they have “had a word with them” (and you won't necessarily know whether they have or haven't) and it had no effect, the manager needs to know this.

    One bit of advice I heard, and have seen work very well, was that if these comments are made in a meeting situation you can call them out as “we have a lot to do in this meeting, we are all busy people, and I don't see that that comment is very helpful. Now, to move on…”

    And regarding “it's just a joke” - if you are making comments aimed at making your colleagues look small, stupid and worthless then you are a bully, not a joker. And bullies know how to use the workplace to their advantage, where the person on the receiving end cannot walk away from them - a tell-tale sign is when the bully follows up with “she (or he) doesn't mind” trusting that the receiver will not want to create a scene by saying “actually I do mind, and have minded for the last x years, would you please stop saying that”. (Incidentally, quite often, although probably not in this case, the bully doesn't even realise they are a bully - it's the way they were treated, so it's the way they treat others.)

    Really good issue to raise.

    Thanks, Andy

  • Had one more thought over lunch:

    Sometimes line managers try to resolve these types of issues by putting the people involved on separate projects (or departments) so they don't have to work together. I have never, ever seen this work, if anything it typically just feeds the resentment - often on both sides.

    So don't do that.

    Thanks,

    Andy

  • Former Community Member
    0 Former Community Member

    I would usually respond to sexist comments with humour or sass, but sometimes it can be difficult to approach people on their behaviour so sometimes I'll just keep it to myself. 

    That would generally be the advice I would give other women. Usually any comments I have received are looks or ability based, but not intentionally offensive. 

    The comments you have quoted, however, are completely unacceptable and should be reported. I see no other way of looking at it.

  • Former Community Member
    0 Former Community Member

    Exasperated,

    Lots of good advice here. Here is what I think…

     

    Option 1

    From the perspective of a dad to four daughters… I would say… First: tell your line manager to have a word with this bonehead and sort it out- as you won't stand for his behaviour! If after that, the guy persists, then… kick him square in the middle, and follow throw with a knee to his filthy mouth - leave the job with a sore foot and knee, but with your dignity intact… There will be other opportunities!

     

    Option 2 (probably the best advice on this thread!)

    From a professional perspective … Take Andy's advice. 

     

    Don't give up on your aspirations in engineering. I would love for all my daughters and my son to pursue careers in engineering. Be brave!

    Best regards,

    Karl

  • Former Community Member
    0 Former Community Member

    Correction: follow through (with a knee)